How to Find Joy in Suffering

aka: How to Feel Bad + Have a Good Time (ep 5)

There I was, in my third bath of the day, sweating out my fever with a stuffy nose, scratchy throat, and a brand new, gorgeous, engagement ring on my finger. I had asked my fiance to put off the proposal until I had recovered from my last eye surgeries; in hopes that I would feel better (FINALLY) and enjoy a moment I've looked forward to for years. But just my luck, I came down with an intense cold the day before we were to leave for our 'surprise' engagement getaway. On top of that, I had the largest, most excruciating blister on my cornea, and didn't even remember saying yes because my head and eye were pounding with pressure.

Regardless of the irony and pain, I remembered the Dalai Lama from The Book of Joy who said, "Pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice."

I was sitting in this heavy disappointment and in this thrilling gratitude. I asked myself, "How do you actually choose not to suffer when in pain?" Can you?

What does it look like to feel bad but have a good time?

This isn't just applied when you're sick, but when you are grieving, recovering from injury, experiencing pain or sorrow, or going through any difficult times.

Top 3 mindsets to break into joy during suffering:

1. Gratitude - above all else

   Gratitude is the most transformative mindset you can adopt when you're feeling bad and trying to have a good time. It’s not just a mental exercise but a full-body experience that has the power to pull you out of the heaviest fogs of pain, grief, or despair. When in doubt, start here.

   
   

   Ways to Practice Gratitude:

   
   

   Small Beautiful Moments

   At the end of each day, take a moment to reflect on the small gifts of the day. Maybe it was the sound of rain on the window, the warmth of your coffee, or a kind word from a friend. No matter how insignificant it seems, jot it down or simply hold it in your mind. Over time, your brain will be trained to then subconsciously highlight and focus on the good stuff. Gratitude rewires your brain. Studies show that consistently practicing gratitude strengthens neural pathways associated with joy and resilience, making it easier over time to find the good, even when life feels impossibly hard.

   
   

   Gratitude as a Meditation

   This isn’t just a quick “thank you.” Sit with the feeling of gratitude. Imagine it as a warm, glowing robe that you wrap around yourself. Let it soak into your body and mind. Let the energy of gratitude warm your whole body, and allow it to overflow and light up the space around you. You might thank God, the universe, or simply life itself for the things you are grateful for—your body’s ability to move, your loved ones, or even just another day to try again.

   
   

   Gratitude Through Photos

   Immerse yourself in times where you thought it important to capture a moment. Scroll through old photos on your phone—vacations, family gatherings, or candid moments of laughter. Let yourself be grateful for these moments, and remind yourself that there were times of pain and sadness between these photo highlights, and that more good times are on their way for you.

   
   

   Verbal Gratitude

   Express your gratitude out loud. Tell a friend how much they mean to you, thank your partner for their kindness, or even say aloud what you’re grateful for when you’re alone. Hearing your own voice affirm the good can make it feel more real and impactful.

   
   

   Gratitude Journaling

   Keep a simple journal where you jot down 3-5 things you’re grateful for each day. These can range from big moments like a promotion to small details like the way the sunlight hit your living room. The key is consistency. Over time, your gratitude journal will become a source of comfort and a reminder of your resilience.

   
   

   Gratitude isn’t just a list or a fleeting thought—it’s an energy. When you truly sit in the feeling of gratitude, it brings a lightness, a shift, and often, a sense of peace. It doesn’t fix everything or erase your pain, but it creates a space for something good to coexist with the hard stuff. It’s the first step toward having a good time, even when you feel bad.

   
   

   

   
   

2. Affirm Your Feelings

   Acknowledge and validate your emotions. Emotions don't have to make sense, irrational fears exist, arguing to yourself that you SHOULDN'T feel a certain way is a way of gaslighting yourself to ignore your REAL energy. Emotions are energy in motion, and if you don't let them out, move with them, move through them, they will transmute into another form of discomfort.

   
   

   - Name your feelings and allow yourself to grieve losses or unmet expectations.

   - Cry, vent, or express yourself in ways that feel natural and healing.

   - Hold space for both sadness and joy—they can coexist.

   
   

3. Acceptance: Letting Go doesn't mean Giving Up

   Resistance creates tension. It’s the mental tug-of-war between wanting things to be different and the reality of what is. Acceptance cuts the rope. It’s saying, “This is where I’m at right now, and that is my reality.” This mindset frees up energy for healing and growth. Accepting pain or hardship is not giving up; it’s preparing to navigate through it.

   
   

   - Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the kindness you’d offer a friend.

   - Recognize the distance between expectations and reality, and work (mentally/emotionally/physically) to bridge the gap.

   - Focus on what you can control: Let go of what you can’t change and redirect your energy toward what you can influence.

   
   

Practical ways to (feel bad +) have a good time:

• Have Your Essentials: Always carry necessary medications or items that provide comfort, i.e. ibuprofen, anxiety meds, gum, protein bars, essential oils, etc.

• Skip the Alcohol: Opt for a feel-good drink that uplifts your mood without adding stress or drama to your situation.

• Take Breaks Without Guilt: Step away when needed to recharge. Bring a friend with you, which leads to the next step...

• Communicate Honestly: Share your feelings with trusted friends who can support you, so you don't have to provide your whole road map when you're starting to crash, swerve, get lost, what have you.

• Set Expectations: Accept that the evening might include pain, discomfort, or waves of grief, but have confidence in your decision to go and relish in the good that you find there. Have an exit strategy and plan something comforting to look forward to after the event.

• Create Moments of Joy: Take pictures, express gratitude, and immerse yourself in the present.

• Practice Rest: Integrate different types of proactive rest—physical, mental, emotional—into your routine.

We are capable of holding immense joy and pain simultaneously. That doesn't give an excuse for toxic positivity, so remain honest with yourself.

Be kind and compassionate to yourself, increasing that love in grief or pain.

There is beauty and love everywhere, just takes practice when trying to find it.

Here’s to feeling bad, having good times, and here's to Getting Better.